One thing that brightens up my day is reading the damming reviews of Steven Seagal’s films on the Radio Times website. Hard to Kill (1990), Mason Storm Rating: 3/5

This was the movie that set action superstar Steven Seagal on his monosyllabic road to riches. He plays Mason Storm, a cop who is grievously wounded when a gang invades his marital bedroom and sprays it with gunfire. Storm survives, though his wife isn’t so lucky. It takes seven years to recover from the ordeal, but he emerges stronger than ever and, after the usual period of fearsome solo martial arts training, wreaks a terrible revenge on his attackers. Seagal stars alongside Kelly LeBrock, his real-life wife at the time, and the strong supporting cast also features William Sadler, Frederick Coffin and Dean Norris.

Out for Justice (1991), Det. Gino Felino Rating: 2/5

Steven Seagal gets more dialogue than in all his other movies put together in this lukewarm attempt to give him a lot more heart and soul. He plays a Brooklyn cop with the comedic name of Gino Felino, who comes up against old neighbourhood foe William Forsythe, resulting in much retaliatory violence. Frankly, Seagal is no actor and his career has been founded upon his ability to look cool in combat situations, rather than convey the sort of softly spoken sadness he’s aiming for here. There are plenty of adequate action scenes, but stabs at characterisation are a big mistake under the circumstances.

On Deadly Ground (1994), Forrest Taft Rating: 3/5

Action star Steven Seagal has always brought a vaguely liberal slant to his no-brain thrillers and his directorial debut is admirably politically correct. It’s just a shame that the caring, sharing eco-friendly message tends to overpower what Seagal does best - kicking the stuffing out of bad guys. Here he’s a troubleshooter who goes into battle with oil tycoon Michael Caine - hammily over the top and with a scary hairdo to boot - who’s about to pollute virtually all of Alaska. Seagal the director shows that he has picked up the odd trick or two from the action specialists who made his name, but his impassioned green speeches will have viewers reaching for the remote control. Plot Summary A tough firefighter sets out to stop the destruction of native tribes and the natural environment by an unscrupulous oil company planning to drill in Alaska. Ecological thriller, directed by and starring Steven Seagal, with Michael Caine, Joan Chen, John C McGinley, R Lee Ermey and Billy Bob Thornton.

Under Siege 2 (1995), Casey Ryback Rating: 2/5

The original Under Siege was a hugely entertaining affair, thanks mainly to the sheer scale of the destruction and its top-drawer cast of cartoon villains. This sequel sadly falls down in both departments. Basically, it’s the same story but this time set on a train. Steven Seagal plays the former Navy SEAL-turned-chef who finds himself up against another gang of international terrorists, led by the faintly ludicrous mad professor Eric Bogosian. New Zealand director Geoff Murphy gives it his all, but there is a second-hand feel to the increasingly outlandish action stunts.

The Glimmer Man (1996), Lt. Jack Cole Rating: 2/5

Sandwiched between his eco-warrior outings On Deadly Ground and Fire Down Below, this action thriller has Steven Seagal going back to the no-brainer fare that made his name. It’s a partial success, but ultimately lacks the slick thrills of his early films thanks to John Gray’s unexceptional direction. Here, the murky government past of Seagal’s new-age cop comes back to haunt him as he pursues a serial killer. Keenen Ivory Wayans provides a lively foil as his partner, but Brian Cox, as Seagal’s former boss, only succeeds in butchering an American accent again.

Exit Wounds (2001), Orin Boyd Rating: 2/5

Steven Seagal looks far from the svelte fast-moving hero he should be in this action drama. He plays Orin Boyd, a disgraced cop who is transferred to a tough inner-city precinct where he discovers his new colleagues are selling heroin to drug dealers. Seagal’s comeback film, based on the novel by John Westermann, sees Warner Bros reunite many of the cast and crew of the equally disappointing Romeo Must Die, including director Andrzej Bartkowiak and producer Joel Silver. Seagal’s performance is typically wooden, and the Toronto locations are hardly convincing as downtown Detroit. However, rapper DMX provides some relief from the usual Seagal shenanigans. The poster reads “This is gonna hurt", and indeed it does, for just under two hours.

Ticker (2001), Frank Glass Rating: 2/5

Albert Pyun may not be Hollywood’s most discriminating director. But when it comes to knuckleheaded violence, few can match his pyrotechnic proficiency. Of course, it always helps to have Dennis Hopper as your deranged bomber, detonating random devices all over San Francisco simply because girlfriend Jaime Pressly has been arrested. It does no harm, either, to have Tom Sizemore as the grizzled cop on the case. But Steven Seagal’s best days are way behind him and his New Age-babbling cameo as a Zen explosives expert introduces an unintentional comic element that raises more laughs than one of Hopper’s trademark rants.

Half Past Dead (2002), Sascha Petrosevitch Rating: 1/5

Sporting a few extra pounds and at least one extra chin, Steven Seagal fails to convince here as an undercover FBI agent sent to the “New Alcatraz". Once in the hi-tech prison, Seagal finds himself at the centre of a hostage situation when a group called “the 49ers” - presumably not the American football team - break in so they can interrogate a death-row inmate regarding the whereabouts of $200 million in gold. Seagal copes with this by leaping through the air, shooting as he goes and grunting derisively whenever conversation with his sidekick (rapper Ja Rule) is required. Writer/director Don Michael Paul brings no credible suspense to the film, simply overloading it with action to compensate for the lack of style or coherence. Made with tongue firmly in cheek, this might have worked - but Seagal takes himself far too seriously. Disastrously, he expects us to do so as well.

The Foreigner (2003), Jonathan Cold Rating: 1/5

An out-of-shape Steven Seagal demonstrates how far past his prime he really is in this appalling, straight-to-video action adventure. Mumbling his way through an unnecessarily convoluted narrative, Seagal takes on the task of conveying a mysterious package from France to Germany, a mission that ends up more dangerous than it initially appears. Murder, corruption and viewer confusion follow, as ham-fisted director Michael Oblowitz tries to disguise the film’s technical incompetence with a surfeit of plot twists and badly acting villains. But the biggest crime is the action sequences, which are so poorly staged that even a thumping techno accompaniment can’t inject any excitement. One for die-hard Seagal fans only.

Out of Reach (video 2004), William Lansing Rating: 2/5

It’s not often that you get to hear characters thinking, but this is just one of the unusual tactics adopted by Hong Kong director Po Chih Leong in this otherwise workaday Steven Seagal vehicle. The idea that Seagal’s retired government agent would be the penpal of an orphan at a hostel he helped establish in Poland is pretty unlikely. But once Ida Nowakowska is abducted by sex trafficker Matt Schulze, this seems one of the premise’s more feasible aspects, as Seagal (who is less invincible than usual) finds his former employers are as keen as his adversary to thwart his mission.

Today You Die (video 2005), Harlan Banks Rating: 2/5

One final job predictably leads to betrayal and revenge for Steven Seagal’s retiring criminal in this tired action drama. Breaking out of prison with a well-connected gangsta (rapper Anthony “Treach” Criss), the modern-day Robin Hood attempts to wreak violent havoc on his double-crossing associates. Unfortunately, all the requisite gunplay and explosions that follow can’t mask the clichéd plot and comically bad performances. Criss may overact but his turn almost outshines lethargic Seagal, whose mumbling doesn’t help the frequently ridiculous dialogue. Unimaginative direction and an overwrought soundtrack compound the film’s weaknesses, though compared with Seagal’s other recent direct-to-video outings this is still a definite improvement.

Mercenary (aka Mercenary for Justice) (video 2006), John Seeger Rating: 1/5

It’s a well-established tradition that Steven Seagal never breaks sweat when breaking people’s bones. In this asinine action movie, though, he plays an ex-CIA mercenary who’s so dispassionate that he could be auditioning for a role in one of George A Romero’s zombie films. The overly convoluted plot shifts from a war-torn African island and on to American soil, then to a bank robbery and prison break in Cape Town, as Seagal searches for the elusive CIA villain (Luke Goss) who’s betrayed him. Despite the high-tech heist scenes and globetrotting backdrop this is a tatty affair, with the military sequences looking like they were shot on a blank-firing army training exercise. Even Seagal’s hand-to-hand fighting features several glaringly obvious pulled punches. It’s a sad day when even the fight choreographer has thrown in the towel.

Shadow Man (2006), Jack Foster Rating: 2/5

An out-of-shape Steven Seagal mumbles his way through yet another woeful action drama. In a cliché-ridden plot, he plays an ex-CIA agent trying to rescue his kidnapped young daughter after he’s embroiled in an international conspiracy involving a deadly virus. Not even the hilariously ill-advised presence of Imelda Staunton as an American ambassador can detract from the poorly paced mess that follows, as dreadful acting and clumsy direction compound a risible script. Worse still, the all-important fight sequences lack vitality and thrills, leaving it to the thumping soundtrack to provide atmosphere. It’s not Seagal’s weakest film, but it certainly comes close.

Urban Justice (aka Renegade Justice) (video 2007), Simon Ballister Rating: 1/5

The increasingly irrelevant Steven Seagal returns to his urban action roots on his home turf, but the change of scene and scenery provides no measurable increase in quality - this is another lacklustre effort, sunk by a predictable script and a lazy performance by the star. Seagal plays (inevitably) a lethal stranger who arrives in LA to discover the truth about the death of his policeman son (Cory Hart), the apparent victim of a drive-by shooting. However, he soon discovers that his boy’s demise is linked to a squad of corrupt cops. While there are few nifty fight sequences, Seagal’s lack of mobility is an embarrassment and the only time the film comes to life is when Eddie Griffin is on screen; the comic actor is surprisingly effective as a vicious gang boss.

Flight of Fury (Video 2007), John Sands Rating: 1/5

The stolen stealth plane in this straight-to-DVD Steven Seagal thriller may be invisible, but it’s harder to disguise just how familiar the story is - especially if you’ve seen Clint Eastwood in Firefox. Seagal stars as a former US pilot who’s shipped off to Afghanistan to stop rebels from using an experimental plane and its biological payload on American targets. Lumbering through the proceedings with little enthusiasm, the aikido master mumbles most of his lines and lets the rest be dubbed by actors who sound nothing like him. Even the aerial dog-fight scenes don’t offer much in the way of fun, as the recycled stock footage of military aircraft is so poorly patched together that it’s impossible to tell what’s going on. A nonsensical lesbian interlude is inserted at the halfway point in a hilariously hopeless attempt to help the film gain altitude. The result is a trashy, badly made mess.

Kill Switch (video 2008), Jacob Rating: 1/5

In this Memphis-set barrel-scraper, Steven Seagal delivers an excruciating performance as a tough detective on the hunt for two rather dull serial killers. With a weird southern accent and barely any expression, he lumbers through an unsatisfying mishmash of sub-Se7en crime thriller clichés, stereotypes and laughable dialogue. But though Seagal’s self-penned script is underdeveloped and over-convenient rubbish, it’s nowhere near as bad as the appalling direction and editing. Jittery camera work, excessive use of the jump cut and pointless repeat shots make the protracted fist-fights and generally unrealistic action sequences feel clumsy and tedious, while the rushed climax simply isn’t worth the wait.

The Marker (aka Pistol Whipped) (2008), Matt Conlin Rating: 2/5

Steven Seagal releases movies like a B-52 drops its payload. This entry in his nonstop carpet-bombing campaign (twelve movies in four years) sees him playing a washed-up, alcoholic ex-cop with gambling debts and a young daughter who he ought to be taking better care of. Instead of joining AA meetings, though, his 12-step programme involves being dispatched by Lance Henriksen’s shadowy government operative to wipe out various bad guys. Half-baked character development scenes see Seagal staring into glasses of whisky and furrowing his brow, while the action proves just as leaden. Kept largely immobile by his paunch, Seagal takes out bad guys with nothing more than his arms and a scowl - even killing a table of diners from a seated position using the silverware. The final shoot-out is set in a graveyard, which is fitting since Seagal appears to be writing the epitaph to his career.

The Keeper (2009), Roland Sallinger Rating: 1/5

Steven Seagal has never been the most expressive actor, but here he exceeds his previous efforts by delivering a performance so bland it barely registers. Not that he’s helped by the lame storyline, in which he plays a medically retired cop who becomes the bodyguard of a rich old pal’s adult daughter after she’s nearly kidnapped. Unconvincing characters and a surprising lack of action add to the overall dullness, leaving it to the laughable dialogue to fitfully entertain. As for Seagal’s trademark moves, they’ve been reduced to pathetic schoolyard-style slapping and a few mediocre knife-throws, which make the supposedly big fight-climax a particular letdown. Hilarious end scene though.